Thanksgiving Day—the beloved holiday that effortlessly blends America’s proud tradition of periodic self-reflection with its undying love for simple carbohydrates—is nearly upon us, and come Thursday, dining room tables across this great nation will sag under the burden of spreads that make a mockery of the four-digit daily calorie intake figures typically recommended by medical professionals. What should I do? You, a reasonably svelte person who endeavors to live a fit lifestyle, are wondering with great concern. How can I prevent this annual celebration of starches from becoming a significant setback in My Fitness Journey? Worry not, friend, for you can easily enjoy a healthy Thanksgiving dinner by following this one simple rule: Fuck it, eat everything.
I am very serious. Look, during the 364 days of the year that are NOT Thanksgiving Day, you adhere to a sensibly balanced diet with grim determination, dutifully eschewing extra portions and always paying a nominal surcharge to substitute a garden salad for steak fries. You go to the gym, you take the stairs, and you prep your cookware with that weird spray instead of olive oil or butter. You’ve become adept at asking for the check before the server can even OFFER dessert. And to be sure, there ARE analogous choices you could make on Thursday in order to enjoy a nominally healthier dining experience. For example, it is a scientific fact that the delectability of mashed potatoes corresponds directly to the volume of dairy fat used during their preparation. Perhaps, you might be thinking, when that dish arrives at your place setting, it would be best for you to politely pass it along.
You would be wrong. Super wrong. Look, is this REALLY the battle you want to fight? Do you want to be Weirdo Healthy Thanksgiving Guy, the one who stares awkwardly at the buffet before composing a plate that consists of a slab of turkey breast, a few green beans, and a single oven-baked sweet potato sans butter or brown sugar or joy? Are you still trying to convince your cousin's co-workers that you PREFER the taste of white meat, knowing full well that it packs all the flavor of a damp rice cake? When everyone else in attendance is doing dessert correctly, happily munching on a slice of each available variety of pie, are you slinking to the refrigerator while lamely explaining to inquisitive onlookers that a piece of fresh fruit is ACTUALLY your favorite post-dinner treat? Again, science doesn't lie: Anyone who counts calories on Thanksgiving is a cop, and even whispering the word “paleo” in the presence of stuffing is absolutely grounds for mid-dinner expulsion.
Eating a balanced diet is important, sure, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was any six-pack in the centuries that have elapsed since. On Thursday, please, make the healthy choice and eat whatever the hell you want, in whatever quantities your heart desires. For one damn day, enjoy yourself! With any luck, by the time the stilted, boozy dinner conversation with distant family members inevitably turns to politics, your mouth will be too full of candied yams to participate.
