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Let’s get some hard truths out of the way: There is no such thing as a good protein bar, when you're looking for the best protein bars by taste. No cylindrical foodstuff will ever be as enjoyable as a meal of comparable nutritional value that consists identifiable foods and pronounceable ingredients. The array of aspirational flavors in which they are offered never measure up to even the modest promises of their packaging, as anyone who has had the misfortune of trying a “blueberry cobbler” variety can attest. This is about function, not form. Deciding to eat a protein bar is deciding that you care so much about your body that you’re willing to deprive it of normal things that it actually wants.
As is the case with all necessary evils, however—a list that includes politicians, light beers, car insurance companies, and wireless providers—there are some alternatives that are less inherently bad than others. So when healthfulness and convenience triumph over taste and happiness in the hierarchy of your dietary needs, here are the most prudent decisions you can make.
Available Everywhere: Clif Builder’s Bar
Yes, there are other alternatives on the market, and you may very well like them better. But said alternatives are of precious little use to you if the only place from which you can acquire them is a gigantic online retailer that offers free two-day shipping to members. When you’re gassing up on a road trip and forced to rely on a tiny food mart for substantive sustenance, chances are good that a trusty box of Builder’s bars will be there to prevent you from having to gamble on the hot dog rotisserie.
Calories: 270
Grams of protein: 20
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Opt for the chocolate mint version, if you can. It helps. A little.
Best Vegan: Rise
From the outside, an unwrapped Rise bar looks similar to the original PowerBar, a shapeless nutritional abomination that has the consistency of unsealed Play-Doh. And the packaging here includes so many “no” statements—no preservatives, grains, gluten, soy, peanuts, dairy, or anything artificial—that I worried “taste” would be absent as well. Inside, though, it’s soft and chewy and pleasant, and the nutty versions include visible nut chunks, a bit of truth-in-advertising that I found strangely comforting. The Lemon Cashew flavor was a nice break from the dubious faux-chocolate substances that dominate this space.
Calories: 270
Grams of protein: 15
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Look, this is a vegan protein bar that, as a rule, excludes lots of things that make food suck less. They do a commendable job with their limited toolbox, but still, chewing gum is your friend here.
Most Decadent: Gatorade Whey Protein Bar
The world’s leading purveyor of sugary sports-adjacent liquid makes what is, in protein-bar adjusted terms, a really good sports-adjacent protein bar, too. Alas, this is for good reason, and that reason is that it is a glorified candy bar. It offers 20 grams of protein, sure, but adds 42 grams of carbs (including 29 grams of sugar!) and 10 grams of saturated fat. At that price, you might just want to eat a Snickers and actually enjoy yourself. Life is short.
Calories: 350
Grams of protein: 20
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Almost none! No rancid cottonmouth here! Silver linings are real! [gets a cavity]
Best Gluten-Free: ONE Bar
Protein volume is good. Texture is fine. Flavors are plentiful. But one measly gram of sugar? One!? If you subscribe to the school of thought that holds all protein bars are subpar forms of sustenance, and that manufacturer’s calorie-laden efforts designed to elicit marginal improvements to their inveterate blandness are futile, the One bar is about as optimized as a protein bar can get.
Calories: 230
Grams of protein: 20
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Steer clear of the sweeter varieties. (Almond Bliss was my pick of the bunch.) But if you’re the type of person who eats anything that comes in a “Birthday Cake” flavor, including actual birthday cake, without an immediate mouth-cleansing contingency plan in place, that’s your own fault. [Ed note: The maple glazed doughnut flavor is delicious and anyone who says otherwise is a narc.]
Best Taste: RxBar
The protein bar for people who loathe protein bars, RxBars list their ingredients in a stark, bold font—“3 egg whites, 6 almonds, 2 dates,” and so on—above an ambitious (and ambiguous) “No B.S” promise. It turns out that making nutritional foods using things people can pronounce is a good idea. You sacrifice a few grams of protein, but are rewarded with a taste that bears at least a passing resemblance to what the package promises for your troubles.
Calories: 210
Grams of protein: 12
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Eh, they’re fine. You’re basically eating compressed trail mix that had an egg cracked over it. It could be better, but it could be way worse.
Something Different: Hail Merry bites
Clearly aware of the stigma surrounding protein bars, the makers of this product have elected to split it into three smaller pieces and sell them as hors d'oeuvre-sized “bites.” In the scheme of marketing gimmicks, this one sort of works! The protein is derived from sunflowers and hemp hearts, and the copy makes such liberal use of the words “fresh” and “clean” that they sort of seep into the whole experience. The bites come refrigerated, too, which provides a welcome respite from all the room temperature nutritional supplements to which you otherwise subject your poor body.
Calories: 270
Grams of protein: 10
Extent to which the aftertaste makes you want to lay down in traffic: Fresh! Clean! Only a little!
