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This might sound weird in the age of millennial moping, but I love my job. I love it for many reasons: Flexible remote working days, the 401(k) thing happens automatically so I don’t have to think about it, and there are free goldfish during business hours, you just have to go to a different floor to get them. (Challenging, but rewarding.) My boss and I have a rapport that is hilarious at best and slightly work-inappropriate at worst. This is in spite of all of the humiliating and stressful and boring aspects of my job that I truly abhor. Sometimes the hours of bullshit I have to deal with outnumber the packages of gratis goldfish my job allows me, and even then, I still love it.
And the secret to my happiness is a cannabinoid cousin of THC called CBD.
Here's how it works: Every morning when I get into my office, I pop a frosted CBD gummy into my mouth for breakfast. Then, I proceed to have a wonderful day.
The gummies are made by Lord Jones, and Jesus, are they chic: Nine red and yellow gumdrops are gingerly inserted by some druid artisan into a box that looks like it came from Hermès, affixed with a reflective gold crest. The operation is more Tenenbaum than Cheech and Chong. That's the whole idea: owner Cindy Capobianco’s vision was to liberate marijuana products from their stoner culture associations. (Lord Jones's hero product, a body lotion, is prescribed mostly for sore muscles and joint pain, extending the weed demographic vastly beyond the recreational contingent.) A box of nine goes for $45, which, yes, is steep. But it also means that each gummy costs about as much as a cold brew in Manhattan—which actually isn't bad considering that they make you feel better instead of jittery and anxious.
Regular weed has a twofold effect, thanks to the compounds THC and CBD. The former is the psychoactive component of marijuana, which accounts for euphoria, lethargy, the munchies, and the rest. CBD is the other, mellowing part of the high. It’s been a breakthrough ingredient for muscle pain for that very reason. Studies have noted that, when ingested, antipsychotic properties are linked to mood stabilization and the treatment of anxiety. Lord Jones offers both CBD gummies (legal everywhere) and CBD-plus-THC gummies (legal in California if you’ve got one of those cards). I can't say if I have tried the latter, though they sound like they would be very fun to bring to an outdoor fall picnic, to share with friends. You guys will probably have a good time, and one of you might laugh so hard that wine spews from your nose. I don't know; I can't say.
My CBD gummies, meanwhile, live in the top drawer of my desk. When I take one, I feel slightly but markedly better. My chair feels like it is mangling my body less. It’s harder to make a fist. It’s easier to navigate an hour or two of bullshit, which means it's easier to do my job. It doesn’t matter if anybody notices that I am 10% more pleasant, because I feel 10% more pleasant, anyway.
Simply: Every day is a better day.
You might be wondering to yourself, “Wow, what an incredible writer.” (Thank you!) “But I wonder to myself, is this right for me and my occupation?” That’s an excellent question. Find your profession below and my corresponding recommendation.
If you're an auditing clerk: Yes! Try it. If you're a tech engineer: Yes! Try it. If you're a banker: Aren’t you used to harder drugs? Try it (instead). If you're a grocery store cashier: You’re going to love it, I am almost certain. If you're a blogger: Oh my god, yes. Try it. If you're a construction worker: Maybe wait till after work?
But it's not just for work either, although that’s my favorite time to dose myself. Not Pot, an Instagram-friendly herbal supplement, infuses chocolate supplements with CBD-rich hemp oil—which sounds like a delicious pre-bedtime snack. The dosage is 2mg as opposed to Lord Jones’ 10mg, but Not Pot is cheaper and more plentiful.
Use your discretion when dosing. But most importantly, have a dope workday.
